happy fesitvus

so, today is officially festivus. i kind of like the idea of ending a celebration by wrestling. i was never a wrestler, but the ends of parties are getting lame. people yawn, look at their watches, and protest that the time has "snuck up" on them. then, everyone hugs/shakes hands/etc. and the departing party goer exits. usually, through the front door. where their shoes were kept. next to the closet with their jacket. snore.

anyway, i think it would be completely antithetical to common party-ending malaise if someone had to first pin me down before they were excused. of course, people would be more than willing to give me a toss after i invoked the spirit of festivus by airing my many grievances. in our many conversations we have with friends and loved ones, a great number of topics are discussed. aside from the occasional father who lives vicariously through his teen son's varsity sporting, we americans rarely touch on the subject of "dissapointment". festivus demands we confront our many dissapointments we have in others. beautiful. all this, of course, takes place in a room adorned with... an aluminum pole. awesome.

so, tomorrow is christmas eve, and i think i am finished with my shopping/gift making. i now have plenty of time to be merry and watch my minnesota vikings team take on the packers, where i am sure they will manage to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. fortunately, i think football is a fairly silly sport, so a vikings loss won't result in my popping too many prozac. the rules are ridiculous and far too subjective. i think men like football because it gives them a momentary sense of being tough. cubicles by weekday, warrior by weekend. somehow, cheering for very large and grotesquely barbaric sportsmen makes one a tough guy. i also think people like to swear at refs.

merry chritmakwannikuh to all! god bless us, everyone! (except all of you who hate baby jesus in a manger and want to continue with the oppression of christians through your attempts to remove the word "christmas" from all shopping malls, department stores and government buildings. you can all burn in h-e-l-l. it is of the utmost importance that we remember the birth of christ by reading the words "merry christmas" everywhere we go to consume cheap products made by poor, chinese workers).