keep up, keepin' up

wow. i suck at blogging. perhaps i need a computer. doing this at work is a no no, so i will quit here and now.

winter

this morning i had to pry my cardoors open with a hammer. my sidewalk was covered with a thin layer of tail-bone breaking frost. the wind was causing my ears to sting. i hate it when my ears sting. by the time i reached my car, my hands were frozen. i really hate people with attached garages. hate is a very strong word, so i use it only for those with attached garages. after unlocking my cardoor on the driver's side, i realized there would be no chance in my muscling it open.

(unfortunately, not being able to "muscle" things is a fairly common theme in my life, like, say, muscling open jar lids. this has always been somewhat confusing to me, since i always felt my finger muscles were the only set of muscles on my body that were "above average". perhaps everyone thinks their finger muscles are "above average" since they seem to be so damn strong. my fingers are, like, one fiftieth the width of my bycep. i can finger curl a bucket of paint, but i doubt i could bicep curl fifty buckets of paint. this would be hard to prove, since i can't imagine how i could possibly grasp fifty paint bucket handles. i digress.)

so, i had to go back in my house, rummage around for a hammer. once i found one, prying open the door was rather easy. hammers rule.

(what is so damned difficult about creating a common area for hammers? i am ALWAYS looking for a friggin' hammer! you'd think i would put a couple of nails in a closet... hang a hammer, er something! nah. like every other routinely needed household gadget, once found, easily taken for granted)

winter sucks.

stuff... 'n' stuff.

gonna buy a home. not sure when. not sure where. gonna buy a home.

i think i am poor. i qualify for too many "programs". apparently, i make so little the city of minneapolis/st. paul wants to give me money to buy a house. can't say that goal was on my five-year personal checklist. what the dillio? in addition, those homes that i can afford aren't the most "impressive". anyway, it makes me wonder what the hell everyone else in this country is doing for their most gainful employment. i mean, i can barely afford a small little shack with shingles, and that is with the extra income of my girlfriend. together, we make a really great home-poor couple. really. anyhoo, there are a lot of REALLY nice homes with REALLY fancy cars/yachts/furniture/etc., so i wonder what the hell all of those people are doing to buy that crap. i have a "decent" job. honest. ok, perhaps that is my problem. nonprofit and honest. drat.

will try to be better about posting. i swear to god. blogging is like quitting smoking. it takes, like, a couple dozen attempts before you stop... er, start. whatever.

piss on it

piss on it. so sez i. my blogging skillz are that of pure shite. i am not worthy of the server space being held for free for my punk arse. nope. not even a single megabyte. actually, back when pac man was smokin', a megabyte was, like, nasa. perhaps i am worth a megabyte, but not 1982 value megabyte, not nasa. inflation sucks. so does nasa, i can't believe they had to scrap their discovery mission due to a faulty gas gauge. i totally woulda driven the sucka til it ran outa gas. "i gots, like, fitty miles left up in this beotch!" it is going to take nasa, like, a week to change the gauge. i'm sure that part will cost the gobment at least a billion dollars. the mechanic wuz like, "hmmm. if it were a buick, i could replace it fer a hundred. but this here 'discovery' model is foreign made. i'll see what i can do, but i bet i'm gonna hafta order that part from japan."

actually, i am writing this entry because i am afraid they will delete my profile for "lack of use". suck it, blogger! i'm baaa-aaack. kinda. back like foot fungus. you can never REALLY get rid of foot fungus. fungi. kinda sneaks up on ya. like, "crap, my foot itches." then, "damn. need to get some lotrimin."

going to omaha to my friend mike's wedding tomorrow. omaha. nebraska. flat. one hundred and seventy-five MILLION degrees! my car has no air conditioning. gonna smoke cigars and sing along to REALLY bad music. counting crows, anyone? i35 will be the sound-proof studio in which i belt out my AWESOME covers. word. ro-OUND heeere. we ALways stay up late...

word.

i am so lame

for someone with as many opions as i, it is fairly disappointing that i am blogging so infrequently. i think it is because i am going through my winter hybernation period. that is, i tend to avoid just about everything once the cold and dark set in. i hate winter, and winter hates me right back. i think we share a sort of co-depenancy, or something. only, i can't get into any kind of argument. i just have to be pissed, and let time run its course. wish the sonuvabitch were dead and mutter under my breath. that kind of relationship. (making me shovel in freezing temps... what is that bastard thinking!?!)

anyway, i will try to post something witty as soon as possible. then again, "witty" may be too strong an adjective. perhaps i will post something less engaging than "witty". more like, "acceptable". like tv dinners when you are really hungry. yes... very acceptable.

happy fesitvus

so, today is officially festivus. i kind of like the idea of ending a celebration by wrestling. i was never a wrestler, but the ends of parties are getting lame. people yawn, look at their watches, and protest that the time has "snuck up" on them. then, everyone hugs/shakes hands/etc. and the departing party goer exits. usually, through the front door. where their shoes were kept. next to the closet with their jacket. snore.

anyway, i think it would be completely antithetical to common party-ending malaise if someone had to first pin me down before they were excused. of course, people would be more than willing to give me a toss after i invoked the spirit of festivus by airing my many grievances. in our many conversations we have with friends and loved ones, a great number of topics are discussed. aside from the occasional father who lives vicariously through his teen son's varsity sporting, we americans rarely touch on the subject of "dissapointment". festivus demands we confront our many dissapointments we have in others. beautiful. all this, of course, takes place in a room adorned with... an aluminum pole. awesome.

so, tomorrow is christmas eve, and i think i am finished with my shopping/gift making. i now have plenty of time to be merry and watch my minnesota vikings team take on the packers, where i am sure they will manage to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. fortunately, i think football is a fairly silly sport, so a vikings loss won't result in my popping too many prozac. the rules are ridiculous and far too subjective. i think men like football because it gives them a momentary sense of being tough. cubicles by weekday, warrior by weekend. somehow, cheering for very large and grotesquely barbaric sportsmen makes one a tough guy. i also think people like to swear at refs.

merry chritmakwannikuh to all! god bless us, everyone! (except all of you who hate baby jesus in a manger and want to continue with the oppression of christians through your attempts to remove the word "christmas" from all shopping malls, department stores and government buildings. you can all burn in h-e-l-l. it is of the utmost importance that we remember the birth of christ by reading the words "merry christmas" everywhere we go to consume cheap products made by poor, chinese workers).

it gets dark way too early

i suppose the short days in minnesota are payback for the long ones in the summer. i remember camping and hiking at 9:00 pm, and there was still sunlight. when i went to the boundary waters this past summer, i wasn't able to keep my eyes open long enough to see the stars. now, i wish the moon really was made of cheese. that way, i could eat the bastard and be done with him.

i remember...
fisherman a: "should we reel in and turn the boat around? it's already 8:00.?"
fisherman b: "heck no! we still have an hour and a half of til sundown!"

ok. so that conversation never happened. mosquitos turn the boat around. rain can turn the boat around. promises to significant others can sometimes turn the boat around. but i don't think the lack of sunlight has ever really been the cause to turn the boat around. (this brings up another notion: how exactly is one "turning the boat around" when fishing, especially on a lake? it isn't like one fishes in a given direction, and then goes back the same way when they are finished. whatever).

yadda yadda. so, there are no 9:00 hikes now. it totally sucks to go home from work in the dark. i feel like it's midnight at, like, 7:00. that could be 7:00 am or pm. both are cold and dark. winter sucks.

but, heh! at least december has the holiday season! friggin yippee. i get way too pissy this time of year. the only time i ever get "politically correct" is when i go see The Christmas Carol. i feel like society needs to be more accepting of fiscally concerned, holiday-cheer oppositionists.

i decided to google christmas. the first listing was THIS site. i find it odd that someone has the license to christmas. this particular group has decided christmas is best celebrated by downloading festive screen savers. alas, i suppose everyone had the same opportunity to grab the url. it appears that those who love baby-jesus-in-a-manger were a little slow with the whole "internet" thing. whatever. i don't know what i was expecting. perhaps something that imbued me with a sense of christmas cheer, and distain for scrooge. humbug.